Merlin: Season 3; Episode 1

Merlin, Season 3; Episode 1: 'The Tears of Uther Pendragon-Part 1'

Okay, for those who don’t remember, in Season 2 we learned several things:

1)      Morgana is magical

2)      Morgana has a magical half-sister named Morgause

3)      Arthur and Gwen are in lurve

4)      Merlin is the son of a Dragon lord

5)      Merlin speaks parseltongue…well, Dragon tongue.

And in the last 2 episodes of Season 2 Merlin poisons Morgana because she’s the source of an evil spell and then her half-sister, Morgause, comes to the rescue. Arthur and a bunch of knights cram into the room and Uther, who had been unconscious, wakes up and they all watch in shock as Morgause uses magic to apparate her and her sister out of the room. Merlin then frees the Dragon from his underground lair and the beast proceeds to attack Camelot. In the very final moments of the finale Merlin uses parseltongue to make The Great Dragon leave everyone alone.

And they all lived happily ever after. Except they didn’t because Morgana, who I’d forgotten about, is still missing.

So, that brings us to the first episode, which opens with a very sweaty looking Arthur who’s wearing his armour and riding a horse. I have to say, it’s looking pretty good. Oh yeah, he’s being accompanied by a group of knights and Merlin and they’re all outside somewhere and there are a bunch of dead knights on the ground. I just thought you’d like to know that. Anyway, sweaty armoured Arthur dismounts from his horse and says something about attackers and I’m too distracted by Bradley James’ hunkiness to pay too much attention to the plot. However, as the prince gets up and heads back to his horse, one thing becomes very clear.

Merlin got a hair cut. I’m not sure if it’s plot relevant but I thought I’d mention it just in case.

Back at the castle Gaius approaches Uther and says, and I quote, “This is madness…” to which Uther responds “THIS. IS. CAMELOT!” and kicks the physician into a strategically placed pit. Actually, that didn’t happen. I know, I was as surprised as you are. No, instead it is revealed that a year has passed and Uther has wasted countless resources on finding Morgana.

Which brings me to my first question: In this year, when did Merlin find the time for a hair cut? Also, who cut it and why? I know it seems irrelevant but I really want to know. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not judging the show for it and I certainly won’t count it against them, but I really am curious. Also, is the haircut actually relevant to the show or did Colin Morgan just want to cut his hair?

And one more thing: When Gaius approaches Uther he says “I need to speak to you as a friend.” Uther then snaps “I don’t have time for friends.” The funny thing about this scene? Uther’s just standing there staring out the window, dramatically. I’m just bringing this up for giggles not because I think there’s anything wrong with it. I don’t know why, it just made me laugh really hard. I think it’s because Uther always seems like this weird, antisocial, loner kid who always quotes Shakespeare and talks about death then wonders why no one wants to come to his birthday party.

Now, back to Merl’ and Artie. I’m going to tell you about this scene because it brings us to the best Merlin quote/scene by far:

Merl’: “Ow”

Artie: “Is there something wrong with you?”

Merl’: “Yeah, I’ve been on a horse all day.”

Artie (best quote ever, are you ready?): “Is your little bottom sore?”

Merl’: “Yes, it’s not as fat as yours.”

This scene was awesome. And fun. Frankly, knowing what comes next I should have spent the rest of my time watching that scene over and over again.

Also, just for the sake of my own curiosity, in this scene Arthur calls Merlin a “…girl’s petticoat.” Now, I have to ask…is that actually an insult? Cause now-a-days that’s the equivalent of calling a man ‘women’s underwear.’ And, were the scene to have taken place in modern times, I imagine it would have gone something like this:

Imaginary scenario:

Arthur: Merlin, you’re such a women’s thong.

Merlin: You know it!

*high five*

*slap on the butt*

Anyway, Merl’ and Artie continue to bicker in their usual old-married-couple/brothers/soul-mates way, then there’s a pause, then an awesome fight scene, and then Morgana shows up looking amazingly attractive considering she’s covered in dirt. She reminds me of a really hot swamp lady.

They bring Morgy back to the castle where she begins to settle back in and everyone seems happy to have her back. And I wait. Because I know eventually Uther will ask about the sorcerer. You know, the one that he saw kidnap Morgana back in season 2?

Uther, you see, hates magic and has spent almost the whole of his Kingship trying to eradicate magic from the land. So, naturally, if the girl he sees as a daughter goes disappearing for a year because of magic he would, naturally, do everything within his power to find the people responsible and kill them for the obvious reasons that they were magical and they kidnapped his ward.

Now, while we wait for Uther to start acting like himself again, it is important to remember that Merlin poisoned Morgana. Little Merl’ is worried that Morgy’s going to say something. But never fret for even though Morgy remembers him poisoning her, she’s totally okay with it. After all, he was trying to protect his friends. Well, that’s good. I’m glad Morgy’s back nice and safe and with no ill intentions towards anyone. On a completely unrelated note, I wonder when the antagonist is going to show up. I’m only ten minutes in after all.

The next scene shows our happy little wizard doing his chores and it’s all rather domestic and then the prince comes in and they bicker. I usually wouldn’t mention this but we get to see a shirtless Arthur and I felt like that might be important to somebody. Also, I’m going to start counting shirtless scenes in this season and will be breaking them down by character. And I will include female shirtless scenes too. But I wouldn’t get too excited.

What follows is a very touching scene between Uther and Morgana. The king cries, she cries, she talks about how she’s been an awful ward but will start to love him like she should, and then there’s more crying. Also, she dabs his eyes with a handkerchief. Why is that important you ask? Simple, it’s important because SHE’S EVIL AND PLANNING TO USE HIS TEARS FOR A MALEVOLENT SPELL!!!! And this is where all my confusion begins.

Morgana leaves the castle, stabbing a guard on her way, and meets her evil half-sister, Morgause, in a cave in the woods. They talk like your average Batman villains and I get even more confused. Morgause asks about Uther and Morgana said he isn’t suspicious of her (I don’t know why he would be but whatever) and that makes Morgause happy. Morgana also calls Uther a “sniveling dog.” Which leads me to my second question: Why is Morgana mad at Uther again? I know it had something to do with magic and how she’s magical and he hates magic. At least I think that’s it. Honestly, I mostly just remember the word ‘magic’ getting thrown around a lot. Either way, she sat idly by while he killed magical people for years. I don’t know why she’s all in a tizzy about it now just because it’s more personal for her. 

Then, the most confusing bit of trash talk:

Morgause: “And the boy?”

Morgana: “Merlin. He believes I’ve changed.”

Morgause: “And he’s right.”

Morgana: “Soon he will see exactly how much.”

Wait, what? Okay, I know Merlin knows she’s magical and I know Morgana knows Merlin knows she’s magical. But, I mean, what’s she going to do?

Imaginary scenario:

Morgy: Hey Merlin! Look how much I’ve changed!! *pulls bunny out of hat*

Merlin: Great Morgana.

Morgy: You don’t understand Merlin! I can do magic! *turns bunny pink*

Merlin: I know Morgana. You told me in Season 2, remember?

Morgy: Yes, but now I use magic for evil! *turns bunny into Godzilla* Go Fluffy! Attack! Mwa ha ha ha ha! Oh, by the way. I’m totally plotting to kill Uther. Just thought I’d let you know.

I mean, sure, she could do that. But where’s the logic? If anything, shouldn’t she want Merlin to believe she’s good? Why would she want to show Merlin she’s evil.......Oh. I get it. This is sort of like in kindergarten when you pick on someone because you like them. I sense a little crushy-poo.  

In the cave they dip a mandrake root into a cauldron with some tar looking potion. As I wonder where the hell the cauldron came from and how much it would suck to have to carry that thing, it is revealed that only magical people can hear the mandrake root’s screams of pain…or pleasure. Or maybe mandrake root just screams at random intervals. That would suck if you were magical and had to walk through a field of mandrake.

There is more ominous talking and smirking and we learn from Morgause that the mandrake, when covered in this potion, “pierces the very recesses of the soul, twisting the unconscious into the very image of fear and dread.” Basically, the root will make Uther coo-coo for cocoa puffs. And, after he’s gone nutters, Morgause and a king named Cenrad are going to take over Camelot. I’m not sure why exactly. In fact, I’m a little more confused.

What’s the big attraction about Camelot? Is it the castle? Is it the real estate? Maybe that’s it. Maybe owning Camelot is like calling shotgun before a long road trip.

Anyway, after some Latin and glowy eye action Morgause reaches into the boiling pot and pulls out the mandrake root without flinching. Yeah, try that David Copperfield. Morgana takes the root and we soon learn just how bad Uther’s servant is.

Morgy, in all her wisdom, has placed the root under the king’s bed where the potion covered plant is dripping all over the floor beneath. Now, I don’t see any dust bunnies under the bed but I’m fairly certain the servant didn’t clean under there either. Otherwise he might have noticed. Or she. Now that I mention it, who is Uther’s servant?

As time passes we begin to see exactly what the potion does to Uther. The king begins to see images of people he killed during The Great Purge (eradication of Magic folk from the land,) along with an image of his wife. By the way, they’re all wet. I’m not sure why but they are all covered with water and dripping on the floor. And they’re tinted blue. It’s all very creepy and ghosty.  Anyway, the potion has apparently tapped into Uther’s subconscious and is using his guilt to drive him crazy. I’m even more confused.

It’s not that I think Uther’s a heartless bastard but I don’t see why he feels guilty. Doesn’t he believe magic is evil and anyone who uses magic is evil? Then wouldn’t he feel that killing magical people was sort of necessary? He’s seemed to do it rather guiltlessly before. Granted, he’s not trying to find out who kidnapped Morgana either. In fact, no one is. Now I see why Morgana hates everybody. If I went missing for a year then magically showed up again one day and NO ONE seemed to care who kidnapped me, I’d probably put tar covered mandrake root under their beds as well.

Uther’s first vision happens after Morgana’s ‘Welcome Back Banquet’ where he sees an image of his dead wife in a well. He then proceeds to curl up in the fetal position and cry. I don’t judge him for crying, I probably would too, but then I’d begin to think about the situation.

Now, I don’t know about anybody else but if I were a king and my ward got kidnapped by a sorceress and then, right after she came back, I started to hallucinate, I’m pretty sure I’d make a connection. Granted, I’m not being controlled by a group of writers who don’t seem to care about logic.

His next vision comes during a meeting where we get to see exactly how much of a heartless bastard Uther is. He begins to hallucinate about a boy he drowned during the Great Purge. Yes, a boy. He looks to be about 6 years old as well. I hate you Uther. I’m actually starting to root for Morgana.

In the meeting it is revealed that they found the guard Morgy stabbed and he will be better, though they suspect someone in the castle stabbed him. I’m going to segue for a second and complain about this.

If you suspect someone in your neighborhood is stabbing people, never call the whole neighborhood together and ADVERTISE your suspicions. Why? Because chances are you’re going to get stabbed. Furthermore, if you found a neighbor stabbed and suspect someone in your neighborhood stabbed them, don’t call everyone together, ADVERTISE your suspicions, and then TELL everybody the victim will get better and reveal their assailant. Why? Because the attacker in question will track down the victim and kill them before they can tell anyone what happened. No, a private meeting should have been held where it was just the knight(s) who found the guard, Gaius, and the king. Screw it; I’m calling in the Criminal Minds cops. They’ll know what to do.

So, after everyone behaved like a group of phenomenal idiots, Morgana goes and poisons the guard. I wonder who could have seen that one coming. Oh yeah. EVERYONE!!! 

Moving on from that, Merlin eventually finds the dripping mandrake root and ends up following Morgana out of the castle and into the woods. Morgana meets up with Morgause and we learn that dear old Morgy was well aware of Merlin following her. And, instead of lying to him or making something up, she leads him all the way into the woods. Because she’s a total moose nugget and wants to kill everybody. Morgause then has him chained up and left in the middle of the forest where he is soon surrounded by a group of ginormous scorpions known as Serkets.  His magic doesn’t work on the chains and he can’t get free. A Serket stabs him, he’s poisoned, and then he dies. Okay, no he doesn’t. Saphira comes to his rescue.

And, that’s where the episode ends.

It’s only the first episode of the season and I already have so many issues with it. I’m hoping in vain that it gets better, but I know it won’t. Because I, unlike everyone else in this show, am not acting out of character.

Now, my biggest issue in this episode? How no one seems to care about who actually kidnapped Morgana. I’ll admit, I very much disliked her at first, but I’m starting to see where she’s coming from. Absolutely no one seems worried about Morgause or what happened to dear old little Moose Nugget (Morgana’s official nickname.) They just welcome her back and go along their merry way.

I mean, yeah they spent a year searching for her. But once she was back…nothing. No therapy, barely a hug, no questions about where she’d been kept or who kept her there. Nope, just a pat on the head and a “Welcome back.”

It’s not looking good people.

Shirtless Scenes:

Total: 1

Arthur: 1